I went to be a bit uncomfortable, and when I say “a bit” it means the exact quantity of insulin that could kill the patients of Eddie Redmayne’s character from “The good nurse” movie. I had changed my comfort zone from 0 to 1000, being though conscious of how hard it will be.
But it was way harder than that… I would appear on Instagram stories fishing for some good mood and distraction from what was going on inside my guts, but all I was catching were crude and destructive comparisons that killed the last traces of self-esteem I have brought with me in my hand luggage, and to that, you can add dozens of viruses nice wrapped and brought home from the creche.
Normal people come to Luxembourg to relocate from their existing job. But sick people like us came here with almost 0 budget, no job, just a couple of dresses that I have never used, and a nebulizer like I predicted the weather adaptation.
December 2022 was a nightmare for our family. Adaptation to weather, viruses, culture, language and PRICES was a difficult one and made me ask myself every morning: why did I do that to me, to my family, to my daughter… I was having my Media career back in my country and was almost successful or this was just my impression…
Paying the whole income only for rent and being in survival mode, killed us slowly but certainly.
I must give a round of applause to Luxembourg’s way of including a successful adaptation for ex-pats. Government and society provide immigrants with the resources and support they need: access to language classes (10 euros for a course, Karl!), job training, and social services. The only hard note here is that when you decide to come to a completely new environment in your 20s seems a piece of cake, but when you come in your 30s, and you are leaving behind your started career, your friends, and family, your contacts, it hurts… I started eating a lot of sugar…Thank you Auchan, thank you Lidl, thank you Cactus, you were all very generous in diversity.
Then I got the ball rolling by sending every day tens of CVs to different companies. After half a year of Nos in my inbox, my self-appreciation has dropped to the level of “who I am” and “what did I do up until this moment”. Am I so unqualified to not get at least one YES? Even though I had interviews, on the second day I’ve been informed by email: thank you, but you were not selected THIS time. The last expression made me always think that maybe if I apply the next Monday it will work. The countless refusals have led me to the point of not getting into depression but just reinventing myself and applying for jobs that just don’t describe either of my well-achieved and born talents. A big error.
To delete that, I had to speak with therapists, take classes on self-esteem and come back to myself, a girl born and raised in the Republic of Moldova, who finally understood why she failed and that made her stronger!
I was, in essence, far clearer about my own worth because when you take a massive gamble on yourself, you have to be the one who believes in your own value. I understood how blessed I was by having this free time, to meditate, rethink myself, explore the new country, learn French, make friends, and spend this time with my little one. All this cost money and I have this. I HAVE TIME!
I needed this. Yes, it was painful because it came with a lot of self-consciousness. With a lot of crying sessions, yelling at my little one or simply being an awful wife. But it helped me to remind myself about all the things I already have and for which I am thankful. I believe that self-transformation is not an enjoyable process but ultimately, is the most beautiful action that we can take. I have learned how to measure the perfectionism that I am recalling every time I am applying for a job or work on something. I know now that my personality’s architecture needs more structure. I know that I am in Luxembourg for a reason, that I do have the capabilities to handle this market challenge. I already have a pretty good level of French and made myself valuable friends whom I can count on one hand.
The fascination for Gabor Mate, Mindarchitect, Mindset Rx podcasts, and many other people out there whom I follow and learn from is also part of this gift of having TIME.
Thank you 2022 for showing me all this, for this break. Any time you think you become worthless, or that you have too much time and think you are not using this, think twice! To work on “who you are” costs a lot of money.
I am a talented witch! I know I am on my way to learning how to serve my talents.
Hugs,
Djulieta Ardovan
Djuls ID 
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